


Devastated

by thepunk_kawaii



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Character Death, Death, Depression, Eating Disorders, Loss, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-08
Updated: 2017-04-08
Packaged: 2018-10-16 05:27:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10564536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thepunk_kawaii/pseuds/thepunk_kawaii
Summary: this is a short story I began writing in September of 2016, and have just now finished (laughs)the characters involved in this are Dan Howell and Phil Lester. **THEY ARE, FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES OF THIS STORY, CHARACTERS**my name is Augustus Nelson. nice to meet you all! I hope you enjoy this!





	

9 Nov 2016, 1:15 AM  
    I rub my hands over my bone-thin bare arms, trying to regain some warmth in the midst of the frigid air. I sigh, my breath swirling in a cloud of mist, but quickly dissipating. Recent events have left me in a daze. Two weeks ago, my best friend and partner of 7 years, Phil Lester, was shot. The memories blare in my mind, and I clasp my hands over my face, sliding down the brick wall to the ground as a sob tears through my chest. He’d been in the ICU, fighting for his life until suddenly, just hours ago, he flatlined. Lightning flashes in the distance as I pull my hands from my face. I turn my skeletal hands over and over, taking in just how thin my arms and fingers have become. The only thing I’ve consumed since that night is vodka. The night replays in my head. We had been out to dinner for our anniversary 25 Oct 2016, 10:27PM “This was fun,” Phil said, smiling warmly at me as we stopped on the street corner. “I love you.” I said, stepping forward to embrace the blue-eyed man. “I love you.” he replied, taking my face in his hands and kissing me deeply. The kiss ended abruptly as I was torn from Phil, a gun pressed firmly against my temple.  
“Give me your money or this one dies.” a deep voice spat in my ear, glaring at Phil.  
“Phil,” I whimper, pleading.  
“Shut up!” the voice booms, “I said, give me your money!” I felt a large arm wrap around my  neck, putting me in a headlock. I desperately began clawing at the flesh.  
“Let go of him!” Phil yells, jumping forward and punching the attacker in the jaw.  
“So that’s how you want to play it, huh?” the attacker said, recoiling as they threw me to the side and I landed on the pavement with a thud. Phil immediately began running to me. I squeezed my eyes shut as the deafening shot rang through the deserted street. I opened my eyes and scrambled to my feet, scanning for the mystery attacker, but they were nowhere to be seen, having apparently fled immediately after the gunshot. My knees buckled as i reached Phil, hot tears flowing freely down my face at the sight of him, gasping for breath as a pool of blood formed beneath him.  
“Oh my God, Phil, I’m so sorry,” I say, panicked.  
I pull my phone out and dial 999, not even waiting for the standard response when the operator picked up.  
“I need an ambulance, right now, my fiance has been shot,” I choke through the receiver.  
“What’s your name and location?” the operator replies calmly.  
“D-Dan Howell, and we’re on the corner of, uh,” I look up at the street sign, panic further rising in me as my entire body was wracked with sobs, “the c-corner of Coventry Street a-and Oxendon.”  
“Okay sir, an ambulance is on its way.” the operator assured me.  
“P-please hurry.” I choked out through another sob.

9 Nov 2016, 1:32 AM  
I dig my fingernails into my sides, pulling my dirty, torn t-shirt into balls in my fists. I turn my face to the sky and scream at the top of my lungs. I breath in a gasp as a sob rips through me.    
"Why did you leave me?" I scream. "you said you'd stay forever, you bastard!"  
I stand up, slamming my fist into the bricks. my hand screams in pain and blood trickles down my fingers. my knuckles are probably broken, but i don't care in the slightest. I stumble down the street and find myself at a bar. I sit at the counter and the bartender walks over to me.  
"Give me some shots. I don't care what, just make it strong."  I mumble, wiping the tears from my cheeks.  
"Rough night?" the bartender asks as he pours the alcohol.  
"The love of my life is dead. He got shot on our anniversary," I growl, "So, yeah, you could fucking say that."    
"Damn, sorry mate." he says and slides the shotglass over to me. I down it without flinching and slide the glass back for another shot.  
"He told me he would never leave me. He promised me forever." I cry, fresh tears rolling down my face as I down another shot. I keep on blubbering and taking shots until the bartender places a hand on my shoulder over the counter.  
"I think you've had enough for tonight," he says firmly. "Why don't I call a cab for you?" I mumble noncommittally as I slip back into the past.

25 Oct 2016, 11:01 PM  
The siren of the ambulance blared as I sat next to Phil, clutching his hand like my life depended on it.  
"Dan," he mumbled, almost a whimper.  
"Phil, love , I'm right here," I said through my tears.  
"Dan, I love you." Phil said weakly. I leaned down and kissed him on the lips before he slipped into unconsciousness.  
little did I know, those were the last words I would ever hear him say.

9 Nov 2016, 12:45 PM  
I wake with a start and my head is pounding. how did i get here? what time is it? I look down and see that I'm in Phil's bed. I feel as if I've been punched in the stomach. I sprint to the toilet and empty the contents of my stomach. It's mostly bile, and after a while I'm just dry retching. I curl up in a ball on the tile floor, clutching my thin arms around my stomach and letting out a sob. After a few minutes, I push myself up and go back to Phil’s bedroom. I push the closet door open and grab the first thing i see, bringing it up to my face. I breath in his scent and a fresh tear rolls down my cheek. I pull the shirt off its hanger, gently placing it on the bed as if it would disappear. I pull my torn t shirt over my head, throwing it at the wall, then unbutton Phil’s shirt and slide my arms through the sleeves. I hear the door buzzer sound and i swirl around, startled, before losing my balance and tumbling to the floor. I lay there until the buzzer sounds again. I shakily get to my feet, then drag myself down the stairs to the door. The buzzer sounds again as I open the door to see Louise standing there. She takes one look at me, then steps forward, pulling me into a tight embrace.  
“You look awful,” she says softly, when she lets go.  
“No, I thought I looked like a model,” I deadpan. “The love of my fucking life is dead, what do you expect?” my eyes sting with fresh tears.  
“I've made the funeral arrangements so you don’t have to worry about it,” she whispers.  
“Thank you, Louise,” I say genuinely.  
She nods. “Phil’s shirt looks nice on you,” she smiles gently. It was then that I lost it. My knees buckled and I crumpled to the floor, a sobbing mess.

26 Oct 2016, 3:12 AM  
As I sat beside the hospital bed, the rhythmic beeping of the monitor lulled me further into my dazed, sleep-like state. I glanced at Phil, whose body was ridden with various tubes, including a ventilator. It hurt like hell to see him like this. The nurses said he was in critical condition and wasn't likely to survive.  
I laid my icy hand on top of his. “Phil, if you can hear me, just let me know somehow that you’ll be alright? I love you.”  
A new tear streaked down my face at that, and my voice cracked as the door crept open.  
“Your time’s up, love,” the nurse told me, and I nodded solemnly as I made my way back out to the waiting room.

11 Nov 2016, 8:12 AM  
Today’s the day. The funeral.  
I text Louise, “I don’t think I can handle this,”  
The reply comes almost immediately. “You’re coming, Daniel.” I throw my phone to my feet and sigh.  
“Dammit. Thought I might actually get away with that for once,” I half-chuckle, then frown again. I pick up my phone and text Louise again,  
“I don’t know what to wear,”  
“Wear your suit, you sod,” she responds. I throw my phone again in frustration. I flop onto the floor and put my hands over my face, sighing deeply.  
I hear another chime come from my phone and i whine to myself before picking it up again.  
“Dan, don’t make me come over there and dress you.” i cringe at the joking yet harsh nature of her text and reply,  
“Fine. getting dressed.” I sigh and push myself off the floor before trudging to my closet. I glance in the mirror beside the bed and freeze. I almost don’t recognise the man i see staring back at me. My eyes that once held light, if only a reflected fragment of that Phil’s did, are now sunken and lifeless. My cheeks are hollowed out, and my eyes have large dark circles beneath them. I pull off my tee shirt and stare in disgust at my protruding hip bones and ribcage. I never used to be this thin, I think to myself as i inspect my body further. I really do look awful. I tear my gaze away from the mirror, focusing on getting dressed. I pull the bag that holds my suit out, laying it on the bed behind me and unzipping it. The familiar fabric feels somehow foreign between my fingers and suddenly a tear streams down my cheek as i remember, the last time i wore this was the night Phil proposed. Images of Phil and the feeling of giddiness radiating from him when i said yes flood through my mind and my knees nearly give out beneath me, tears now freely flowing down my face as i shake my head, trying to rid my chest of the lingering crushing feeling. I’ll never get to marry him, the realisation almost comes as an afterthought as i choke on a sob, now letting my knees buckle as i fall to the floor. I lay there sobbing, until no more tears will come and i weakly push myself back up and wipe my cheeks. I put on a black button up shirt, no tie, then slip my suit jacket on. I sit on the bed and slide the pants on. Once i’m ready, i ring Louise.  
“Are you ready?” she says upon answering.  
“Yes,” i respond, my voice coming in only a broken whisper.  
“Good, because i’m here already. Get yourself outside.” she says and hangs up before i can say anything else.  
I drag my feet out the front door, descending the ridiculous amount of stairs in the flat. I spot Louise standing outside a sleek black car.  
“I knew you would protest the traditional limousine, so i opted for this instead,” she says quietly before opening the rear door for me. I nod in thanks before sliding into the seat, falling into a trance-like state.

26 Oct 2016, 4:29 pm  
“Do you have any recollection of the attacker’s appearance?” the detective sitting across from me pushed. I shook my head.  
“I-I didn’t see th-their face,” i said slowly, “they had me in a-a headlock the entire time,” the detective nodded,  
“Cnc you describe anything about them?” he asked in a monotone.  
“U-uh, they were, uh, taller than i am, my head went about to their chin. Their arms were really really big, and they had a deep voice,” i paused, breathing shakily. An image flashed through my head suddenly as i remembered something.  
“They had a tattoo,” i whispered. The detective looked interested in this particular fact.  
“A tattoo? Can you describe it?” the detective clicked his pen and prepared to write my description.  
“It was- it was a playing card. Queen of hearts, i think, but there w-was a snake where the queen should have been,”  
The detective’s eyes narrowed as he scribbled furiously. He stopped and looked up at me after a minute.  
“Thank you, Mr. Howell, that should be very helpful,” he nodded, dismissing me.

11 Nov 2016, 8:46 am  
“Dan?” Louise’s voice snaps me out of my stupor and i look over at her questioningly.  
“We’re almost there. You do have your eulogy, right?” she asks gently. I nod. She meets my etes and her gaze switches from one of sympathy to one of skepticism.  
“Are you drunk?” she asks accusingly.  
What the fuck?  
“No! Of course not! Do you honestly fucking think i would do that to him?” i shout, and she immediately looks guilty.  
“I’m sorry. I know you wouldn’t. I shouldn’t have asked.” she says softly, looking at me apologetically. I shake my head sadly.  
“Sorry for snapping,” i mumble as we pull into the funeral parlour’s car park.  
We make our way inside for the viewing. I see the open casket at the front of the room and begin trembling. There are a few people gathered near him. The two that stand out to me are his parents, whom i approach immediately.  
“Oh, Dan, i was afraid you wouldn’t come,” his mother says sadly as she embraces me tightly. I feel her tears dampening my shoulder.  
“Louise wouldn’t let me stay home,” i laugh sadly. I feel someone whack the back of my head.  
“Dan.” Louise says sternly. I pull back from the hug and glare at her.  
“Joking.” i say with faux-positivity.  
Over the next half hour or so, i interact with several blurred faces whom i can’t be bothered to name. Eventually, we settle for the service. The priest starts rambling some bullshit about how everyone was “so inspired” by him. He knows nothing. He doesn’t know what Phil was like.  
“Now, a… friend of the family, Dan Howell, will speak.” i’m about to protest when i see phil’s mum quickly move to the stand and grab him by the elbow before whispering something in his ear. When she lets go, he speaks again.  
“His- er- Phil’s fiance, Dan Howell,” he amends.  
I stand up and make my way to the front.  
“M-my name is Dan Howell, most- if not all- of you know me. Phil and i were together for seven years. We were due to be married in february, but unfortunately, now we will n-never have the ch-chance,” i breathe in shakily, swallowing the forming lump in my throat before continuing,  
“Philip Michael Lester was- is by far the most magnificent person i’ve ever met. He was never cruel, or even harsh as long as you didn’t cross someone he loved. He was my sunlight. He shone over me even in my darkest times. If only he were here now-” i cut myself off with a single sob, tears streaming down my cheeks. I look up at the ceiling, breathing in deeply.  
“It’s my fault he’s gone now, so i’d like to apologise to all of you for that. Not many of you kn-know he died protecting m-me. It got him killed, and i’m sure if you could ask him, he’d tell you he would never regret it, that bastard,” that earns a few half-hearted chuckles from the crowd. I wipe my cheeks and continue.  
“Phil really was an angel from above. He saved my life many times, in both figurative and literal sense of the phrase. When we first met, i had no purpose to live. I was practically a walking corpse. A shell of a person. My world was shrouded in darkness, and Phil became my light. I love him more than anything in this world, and that will never change. Not even b-because he’s d-dead,” i look up at the ceiling again before continuing.  
“Phil, my love, if you’re here listening, i love you. Thank you for being my sun, though i could ever only reflect what you gave me. I wish, only, that i had learned to have my own light, because now that you’re gone, i feel like the dark side of the moon,” my voice breaks as i’m wracked with sobs, tears flowing freely down my cheeks as i slowly make my way back to my seat, pausing at Phil’s casket. I look at his face, once so bright. Now it’s like it’s a completely different person. I lean down and kiss his cheek before sitting down and tuning out the rest of the service.  
Eventually, Louise nudges my arm and whispers to me that it’s time to go to the cemetery. I nod and sluggishly make my way to the car.  
At the cemetery, tears fall from my face as they lower Phil into the ground. Louise drives me home afterward.  
“Do you need me to stay?” louise asks. I shake my head and she nods, turning to leave.  
“Call me if you need anything, love” she says and closes the door behind her. I immediately go to the alcohol cupboard and pull out the vodka. I unscrew the lid, not bothering with glasses, just tipping my head back and drinking as much as I can.  
“I’m sorry, im sorry, this is all my fault, Phil,” i mumble to myself drunkenly before slipping into unconsciousness.

 

26 Oct 2016, 6:34 pm  
“They made me talk to this detective today. I told them about the attacker,” i told phil’s unconscious body lying in the hospital bed.  
“I hope they catch this guy. If only you were awake to talk to them, too, you’re the one who saw them,” i shook my head and placed my hand over his.  
“I don’t know if i can live without you here, Phil,” my voice broke and i began to cry, burying my face in the hospital bedsheets.

13 Nov 2016, 12:24 pm  
“Dan? Dan!!” louise shouts, pounding on the door to the Howell-Lester house.  
“Dan, i know you’re in here! Answer the door, please!” she shouts before reaching down to jiggle the doorknob. To her surprise, it’s open. She lets herself in.  
“Where are you?” she mumbles to herself. Suddenly, a rancid smell reaches her nose as she begins walking down the hallway to the bedroom. She covers her nose with her hands as she investigates. She pushes the bedroom door open slowly before peering inside. Dan’s in bed, buried in blankets.  
“What the hell is that awful smell? Dan? Are you awake?” she gently places a hand on his shoulder and his body rolls over.  
“D-dan?” she says, eyes going wide in disbelief, stepping backwards quickly and fumbling for her phone.  
“H-hello? 999? I just found my friend’s dead body,” she says, dazed and in a state of shock.  
“Your location?” the operator asks calmly.  
Louise gives the operator the address wuickly.  
“Okay, miss, the authorities are on their way. Please remain calm and do not disturb the body.”

20 Nov 2016, 4:56 pm  
“Name: Daniel James Howell. Date of death: 11 November 2016. Time of death: 11:57 pm, British standard time.” the coroner reads from his notes.  
“Has the cause of death been determined, sir?” the detective asks.  
“At first, it was thought to have been alcoholism, but upon further investigation, it seems he had simply lost the will to live, and as a result, his emotional trauma caused the acute chords in his heart to break, killing him instantly as he was asleep,”  
“What an unfortunate way to die,” the detective says sadly, “you know, his fiance had also died very recently.”  
“That will surely do it. How long ago?  
“A few days ago. The 8th, i think,”  
“How unfortunate. Well, at least they’ll be together, now, wherever they are,” the coroner nods thoughtfully before closing his folder and sliding it into his desk drawer to be forgotten.  
-fin-


End file.
